Self Soothing vs. Coping: Are You Managing Stress or Just Pushing It Away?
Something I’ve noticed over many years of working with teens and adults is how often I hear the phrase, “I’m so stressed out.” Stress tends to be the go-to way people describe their challenges, often as a measure of how well they think they can handle them.
I love Brené Brown’s distinction between stress and overwhelm:
“Stress is being in the weeds, and overwhelm is being blown.”
She compares this to her time working in the service industry—when someone was “in the weeds,” they were struggling but still managing. When someone was “blown,” they were completely overloaded, and someone else had to step in.
I bring this up because when I help people create strategies for managing stress, I notice how often we use coping and soothing interchangeably. The problem? These are two very different approaches, and confusing them can prevent us from truly managing difficult situations.
Coping vs. Self-Soothing: What’s the Difference?
Coping is about building tools and strategies to expand our ability to tolerate stress in the moment. It helps us stay engaged with the challenge at hand rather than escaping from it. While no one can be endlessly resilient, having effective coping strategies gives us a better chance of maintaining our inner strength when things get tough.
Self-soothing, on the other hand, is about distraction and comfort—providing temporary relief so that we can return to a distressing situation later with a clearer mind. We also may self-soothe after a distressing situation to aid in coming back to our natural state.
Why This Distinction Matters
See where I’m going with this?
If we start believing that self-soothing—taking a bubble bath, watching TV, or coloring—is a way to increase our tolerance for stress, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Self-soothing isn’t designed to build resilience; it’s meant to help us step away briefly so we can return later.
Think about it: how often can you actually pause a heated argument to take a bath and come back ready to resolve it? Probably not. But you can take a deep breath, use grounding techniques, or reframe your thoughts—those are coping skills that keep you engaged in the moment.
Finding Balance
Both self-soothing and coping have a place in managing stress, but they serve different purposes. Self-soothing helps calm our emotions when things feel overwhelming, but coping is what allows us to actively handle challenges and build long-term resilience.
Next time you feel stressed, ask yourself: Am I soothing or coping? And what do I actually need right now?
